My Thoughts

How to Actually Talk to People at Work (Without Wanting to Hide Under Your Desk)

Let me tell you something that'll make you uncomfortable: most of you talk like robots at work, and your colleagues have noticed.

I realised this during a particularly painful team meeting in 2019 where everyone kept saying "circle back" and "touch base" like we were playing corporate buzzword bingo. The irony? We were discussing our communication strategy. The strategy was rubbish, by the way, because none of us could actually communicate like human beings.

After seventeen years of running workplace training sessions across Melbourne, Brisbane, and Perth, I've watched thousands of professionals struggle with something that should be as natural as breathing. Talking to people. Real conversations. Not the scripted nonsense they teach in those generic communication workshops.

The Problem Nobody Talks About

Here's what most communication experts won't tell you: the biggest barrier to better workplace conversations isn't your vocabulary or your presentation skills. It's that you've forgotten how to be genuinely curious about other people.

I see this constantly in my communication training sessions. People show up expecting to learn some magic formula for "influencing stakeholders" or "managing difficult personalities." What they actually need is to remember that every conversation is with another human being who has hopes, fears, and probably strong opinions about coffee quality in the office kitchen.

The statistics back this up. Research from the Australian Institute of Management shows that 73% of workplace conflicts stem from miscommunication, not actual disagreements about work. Think about that for a minute. We're fighting because we can't talk to each other properly.

Start With This Simple Truth

Every good conversation begins with one person deciding to actually listen. Not pretend-listen while mentally rehearsing their response. Not listening for keywords they can pounce on. Actually listening.

I learned this the hard way during a project debrief that went spectacularly wrong. The client was furious about missed deadlines, and instead of hearing their frustration, I kept interrupting with explanations and justifications. By the end of the meeting, what should have been a collaborative problem-solving session had turned into a defensive argument.

The client never worked with us again. Expensive lesson.

Here's the thing though - real listening is exhausting. It requires you to set aside your agenda, your assumptions, and your desire to be right. Most people can't sustain it for more than a few minutes at a time. Which is exactly why it's so powerful when you do it.

The Three Conversations Happening Simultaneously

Every workplace conversation operates on three levels, whether you're aware of it or not.

Level One: The Surface Content This is what you're actually talking about. Budget figures, project timelines, who's bringing cake for morning tea. It's the easiest level to manage because it's mostly facts and logistics.

Level Two: The Relationship Dynamic This is about power, respect, trust, and history. When your manager says "We need to discuss your performance," the surface content is about work metrics. The relationship dynamic is about whether you feel supported or under attack, whether they respect your contributions, whether past interactions have built trust or suspicion.

Level Three: The Identity Layer This is where people's sense of competence, belonging, and professional identity comes into play. When someone disagrees with your proposal, it might feel like they're questioning your expertise or value to the team. When you give feedback, the other person might hear "You're not good enough."

Most communication training focuses entirely on Level One. Learn better presentation techniques! Use more confident body language! Structure your emails differently! All useful stuff, but it misses the real complexity of human interaction.

The professionals who excel at workplace communication - and I mean the ones who can defuse tension, build genuine relationships, and influence outcomes without manipulation - they're operating consciously on all three levels.

What Actually Works (And What Doesn't)

Let me share some techniques that actually move the needle, based on what I've seen work consistently across different industries and personality types.

The 5-Second Pause Before responding to anything emotionally charged, count to five. Silently. This isn't about "staying professional" - it's about giving your brain time to process what you actually heard versus what you think you heard. The number of workplace conflicts that could be avoided with this simple habit is genuinely shocking.

Mirror and Clarify "So what I'm hearing is..." followed by your understanding of their main point. Then ask "Is that right?" This technique feels awkward at first because most of us rush to respond rather than confirm understanding. But it's incredibly powerful for two reasons: it shows you're actually listening, and it catches misunderstandings before they spiral.

The Specific Compliment Strategy Instead of generic praise like "great job on the presentation," try "Your explanation of the budget implications really helped me understand why this matters to the board." Specific compliments demonstrate that you were paying attention and understand the value of their contribution. This builds psychological safety, which makes future difficult conversations much easier.

Now here's where I'm going to lose some of you: stop trying to be so bloody efficient all the time.

The Efficiency Trap

Australian workplace culture has this obsession with efficiency that's actually making our communication worse. We rush through meetings, keep emails brief to the point of being abrupt, and pride ourselves on "cutting to the chase."

But relationships require inefficiency. They need those extra two minutes at the beginning of a call where you ask about someone's weekend. They need the seemingly pointless small talk that actually builds trust and understanding.

I've watched teams transform their working relationships simply by spending an extra five minutes at the start of meetings checking in with each other as humans rather than immediately diving into the agenda. It feels wasteful until you realise that those five minutes prevent hours of misunderstanding and conflict later.

The best managers I know - and I'm thinking specifically of Sarah Chen at Westpac and David Morrison who runs operations at Lendlease - they understand that investing time in relationship building makes everything else more efficient.

Read the Room (Literally)

Most communication advice focuses on what you should say and how you should say it. But the real skill is knowing when to shut up and what not to say.

Body language tells you everything you need to know about whether your message is landing. Are people leaning in or checking their phones? Are they asking follow-up questions or giving one-word responses? Is someone who usually speaks up staying quiet?

I once watched a team leader continue explaining a new process for fifteen minutes while the entire team's body language screamed "we hate this idea and you're making it worse." He was so focused on getting through his talking points that he missed every signal that his approach wasn't working.

Learn to pause and ask: "How is this sitting with everyone?" or "What questions do you have?" or even "I'm getting the sense that something about this isn't working - what am I missing?"

This requires genuine curiosity about other people's perspectives, which brings us back to where we started.

The Conversation Killers Nobody Mentions

The Solution Jump Someone shares a problem, and you immediately jump to solving it. This makes logical sense but often misses the point. Sometimes people need to be heard and understood before they're ready for solutions. Sometimes they already know what to do and just need to process the situation out loud.

The Relate-and-Redirect "Oh, that reminds me of when I..." and then you take over the conversation with your own story. This feels like empathy but actually shifts focus away from the other person. Use your own experiences to show understanding, not to become the centre of attention.

The Assumption Cascade You assume you know why someone did something, then respond to your assumption rather than checking whether it's accurate. "You obviously didn't think this was important" is very different from "Can you help me understand what happened here?"

I'm guilty of all of these, by the way. Especially the solution jump. Ask my team - I've interrupted more problem-sharing sessions with premature advice than I care to admit.

Making It Practical

Here's what you can do starting tomorrow morning:

Choose one person you work with regularly and commit to having one genuine conversation with them this week. Not about deadlines or deliverables - about something you're curious about regarding their work, their perspective, or their experience.

Before your next team meeting, take two minutes to think about each person who'll be there. What's going on in their world? What pressures are they under? How might that affect how they show up to the conversation?

The next time someone shares a problem with you, try asking "Do you want me to brainstorm solutions with you, or would it be more helpful if I just listened?" You'll be amazed how often people choose listening.

When Communication Training Actually Helps

I'll admit something that might surprise you: most of the communication training courses people attend don't dramatically improve their workplace relationships. They learn useful techniques, but they don't address the underlying mindset issues that create communication problems in the first place.

The training that works focuses less on scripts and formulas and more on developing genuine curiosity, emotional regulation, and the ability to hold multiple perspectives simultaneously. It's harder to measure, takes longer to develop, and can't be condensed into a neat five-step process.

But when someone really commits to improving how they connect with colleagues, the transformation is remarkable. Not just in their communication skills, but in their job satisfaction, their influence, and their ability to get things done through others.

The irony is that better workplace communication isn't really about communication at all. It's about becoming more curious, more present, and more willing to see your colleagues as complex human beings rather than obstacles to overcome or resources to manage.

Start there, and everything else becomes easier.

Most of the communication problems you're dealing with right now aren't actually that complicated. They just require you to slow down enough to remember that good conversations are built on genuine human connection, not clever techniques or perfect talking points.

And if you're still reading this, you're probably someone who cares enough about their relationships at work to actually do something about it. Which means you're already ahead of most people.